Redemption

To the person named Elise, so that she may understand.
Elise, you don’t know me very well. You don’t know the real me. I know to myself that you won’t be able to understand my darkest thought or my most foolish ideal. So I’ll treat this as my personal diary. But I want you to treat this as a window to my soul. For in my eyes, you’ll only see a broken girl and her broken dreams and unshed tears.

I’m alone, Elise. I am in need of company. But I can’t come to you. Not yet. I’ll come to you when you can finally understand.
– 09/07/04

To the person named Elise, so that she may realize.
I envy you, Elise, for years now. You’re perfect, too perfect that I wonder if you have defied humanity at its best. Have you? Why do they always feel the dire need of comparing you to me? Should I’ve accomplished what you’ve done by this time in my life? Should I’ve gained what you’ve earned for them to see the greatness in me? But I’m not great, Elise.
– 10/04/04

To the person named Elise, so that she may sympathize.
This self-imposed isolation has driven me insane. And now, a mere touch of another being sends me reeling. But I met someone today; she was nice. She told me, “I’ll be your friend.” I’ll have a friend, Elise. But I’ve been alone for so long, that trusting another person seems too much to ask.
– 10/15/04

To the person named Elise, so that she may be informed.
I did something heinous. I feel so ashamed.
– 10/25/04

To the person named Elise, so that she may grasp what’s happening to my life.
I’ve been cursing myself. I’ve been continuously hurting myself. It’s been months since I’ve last written on this diary of mine. I’m depressed, Elise. I shouldn’t have trusted them.

They made me do it. They made me drink that filthy auburn liquid. I let the warm fluid slid down my throat. I let that filthy fluid touch my lips. And what’s so heinous about it is I drank vigorously so that I’ll get their approval. I drank so vigorously like an optimistic fool! Yet, I cannot leave them. I’ll have no one. I can’t come to you, Elise. You won’t understand. Not yet.
Tonight, I shall cry. For this is not the only vice that they have introduced to me. I’m a monstrous man now, a beast and a sinner of this inebriation. What good does it do to me, to be moved so easily?
– 03/19/05

To the person named Elise, so that she’ll be moved not with pity but with anger.
I walk every night on this darkened path with only the dim light of the moon to guide me. I close my eyes so that I will not see the atrociousness that lay before me. For the creatures of the night – yes, Elise, there are creatures of the night – they are far stronger and far more powerful that they have a control over me.

“You, you foolish you. How can you be so stupid? Do you want me to fail? Do you? If you can’t do a simple thing such as showing me your answers when I need them, then don’t bother joining us. Besides, who’ll be your friend? You have a face that only a mother can love.”

I question myself, Elise, if I really am too weak and too sick to fight, to live.
Everyday, they tell me, I’m useless, worthless and ignorant. All those bad things I did for them are ignored. But I can’t stay away. They’re the only friends I have.
I want to pull my hair out, every time they make fun of me and treat me like I’m below them. And yes, I let them, Elise. This is “living.” I can not go back to being alone. Yes, I am weak, Elise. I swallow my pride everyday. I let them kill me slowly. Last night, when I was taking a bath, I continuously rubbed myself with the luffa. I forcefully, rubbed it up and down my body, again and again until my flesh turned to this beautiful shade of crimson. I was trying to rid myself of dirt. But I can’t get rid of my wickedness, of the evil that has consumed me. I know you’re not angry at them. You’re infuriated with me because I failed to fight for myself. – 06/23/05
To the person named Elise, so that she may rebuke me.

I am tired. Awhile ago, they told me to trip the little girl outside the school. I had a choice. I made the wrong choice. I tripped the little girl, Elise. That little girl was one of the nicest persons I know (which is only a few.) Everyday that little girl will greet me in the morning and give me her most charming smile. Her tiny crooked baby teeth always showed. The little girl will always tell me, “Ate, good morning. Why aren’t you smiling? Smile, please. Before my mom died she told me to always smile. Because when I smile, the world will smile with me. Don’t you want that, ate? The world smiling with you?” So I’ll smile because the little girl’s so infectious. She gives me that tinge of hope that someday the world will smile with me.

On rainy days, this little girl will hold my hand so I won’t slip. Then she’ll playfully scold me, “Ate, be careful next time. Don’t you know, you were so close to falling awhile ago?” The little girl doesn’t know me personally. But among all the strangers, she always chose me. She picks me from the crowd and makes sure that I smile everyday. And even if it’s hard, this little girl is what makes me somewhat stronger. For this stranger cared for me, loved me in a way that my so called friends can never express.

But awhile ago, I betrayed the little girl. I tripped her and faked my laughter so that I can appease those friends of mine. The little girl cried. And she looked at me with those dark brown eyes as if asking me, why? I looked away. I betrayed her.
Elise, am I that much of a monster now? That I’ll do everything, anything that will appease their craving for human suffering? Rebuke me, Elise. I am not worthy of compassion.
- 09/27/05

To the person named Elise, so that she may freely blame me.
Elise, I’m being hunted by my cruelty. Night after night, I kept seeing those dark brown eyes of the little girl. She was crying, her chest heaving with each sob. She was hugging herself, rocking herself. She had no one. Yet I hurt her. She looked so weak, not like the little girl who makes me smile. In my dreams, she doesn’t talk. She just cries. All I hear is her agony and I did nothing. Elise, I’m a monster now. No doubt, I’m a monster now.
– 10/02/05

To the person named Elise, so that she may fathom my demons.
I fought them and I left them. I’m almost free now, Elise.

Do you know what my darkest though so far? Maybe now you’ll understand. I wanted to hurt everybody so that they’ll know how much I’m hurting. Do you know what my most foolish ideal was? Maybe now you’ll understand. Redemption.

All men have their demons. All men have their vices. I needed to break free from mine.

Elise, I came back to the little girl. She was hesitant to look at me. But I whispered, “I’m sorry for hurting you. I hurt you because I wanted their approval. But I left them. For I’ve hurt one of the people who still cared for me. And I know you care. Because, I saw you once, you’re the stranger who makes sure that I have a box of tissue on my table before breaks. How did you know I cry everyday? You’re sneaky to be able to pull that off. Thank you.” Yes, Elise. The little girl knew me very well.

And what touched my heart was, she said nothing. She looked at me, ran towards me and gave me a hug, stretching her arms to hug me tight. “Ate, don’t hurt me again, okay?” That’s what the little girl said. And I held her.
– 10/10/05

To the person named Elise, so that she may…
I chose to live, Elise. I chose to love. And now, I’ll come to you because maybe now you’ll finally understand.
– 12/31/05

Years later…

Elise went to her little sister’s room and opened the box underneath the bed to find her old journal. She was surprised to find that they were writings on the old diary. It was her sister’s penmanship. She read it and wept for if only Annie told her sooner, she could have understood.